Graduate Blog

A guide to Uni for the useless student


So you’ve just come to Uni. You got dropped off, you engaged in the drinking initiations, and now it’s time to do some proper work. But hang on a minute you can’t seem to find your desk in the bombsite that is your room, and you just picked up your reading and you’re convinced that you’ve been given the reading for the Latin course. DON’T PANIC I have come to teach you the ways my friend, in the official guide to university for the useless student.

Turning up to class:

Now turning up to class is a sort of start as you mean to go on process. The first classes of the year are normally after a week (maybe more) of excessive drinking. So your sleeping patterns are screwed and you sleep through your first class. Then you panic! Until it comes to the same class the next week and feeling like you need to catch up on the missed week you spend all night studying and then sleep through the class again. Come the third week you have no idea what this class is even about so you give up altogether. Now start as you mean to go on doesn’t mean that if you don’t start bad then that’s how you need to go on.  If you’ve missed a class or two think of it as starting again just turn up and pay attention. It will save extra studying further down the line.

Getting your reading done:

Now most people will tell you that in order to study you must be in clean uncluttered environment. Which is true. But in a tiny one bed room with all of your worldly posessions this can be damn near impossible. So go to the library . Now going to the library for the first time can be a bit like going to the gym for the first time. Will they know that I’ve never been to the library before? What if I’m not very good at studying? Will my brain be smaller and flabbier than everybody else’s brain? Stop it! You have as much right to be there as anybody else so find yourself a place, take out your reading, and READ because you’re the one whose chose this subject so you’re probably going to find the reading interesting.

Curbing your social life:

So yesterday was the anniversary of your best mates virginity, today is national wear a top hat day, and the day after is the celebration of Goof off day with so many reasons to celebrate how are you supposed to get any work done? It’s true all work and no play made jack slaughter his family and when your living in a house share that can be increasingly tempting. So here are steps to make sure the party doesn’t continue in your stomach the next day.

a)      Wine before beer, beer before wine, and never ever spirits! Choose a lower percentage alcohol so you don’t miss the fun but you aren’t comatosed to the bed the next day. Think about it if you are completely productive in the day there’s no reason you can’t enjoy a drink at night.

b)      Water! As much as you can before you go to bed. It might make you a bit nauseous at night but you’ll be thankful the next morning

c)       A long hot shower, either before you go to sleep or after, think of it as washing off the night before in preparation for the productive day ahead.

Accepting you’re not perfect:

There are, in life, people who are useless students. They’re not stupid, or lazy, or childish as some people would like to think, they’re just a bit useless. That’s fine because as long as you keep on trying and don’t give up you can smash this degree all over they’re productive asses. Love yourself you useless student.


About the Author

Nadia O'Neill Nadia O'Neill

Originally from Swansea, I just graduated with a very employable Drama and Theatre Arts degree from Goldsmiths. I recently abandoned my 6 year burger career (4 years in MacDonald’s and 2 in Gourmet Burger Kitchen) to work in a swanky Dulwich café (check out my blog about it). I’m allergic to sesame seeds, I own a Nokia 100, and have an unaffordable hobby of drinking champagne.

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